I've got my heart in my throat

I realised that i've changed quite a lot. Since this year, my life has been really mundane.. It's not about studies but maybe my emotions are more like controlling me rather than I am. I'm not so hyper anymore as compared to the past few years. Yeah, back then I was happy inside and outside but now.. i'm dying inside and it feels like something's suffocating me. I'm having this weird mixed kinda feeling which I can't describe. Maybe it's insecurity or.. whatever it is, it's so heart wrenching. How I wish I could just end everything without feeling any pain